Pat McAfee, esteemed NFL punter, raconteur and bon vivant is bringing his sweet music to FOXSports.com. We’ll be giving him his own space every now and then to preach on whatever tickles his fancy. Remember to check out his charity at PatMcAfeeFoundation.org.
By Pat McAfee
So, what’s up beautiful people of the Internet? Allow me to introduce myself because if you’re not from Indianapolis, you shouldn’t have a clue who the hell I am.
My name is Pat McAfee. I’m a 26-year-old, disease-free male. I am a heterosexual who is completely cool with folks who aren’t and I hail from Plum Borough, Pa.
I occasionally chug a brewha, love comedy flicks and have one of the worst mugshots in the history of mugshots.
Now, you’re probably reading all of these things and thinking: “This guy sucks, why am I reading this bulls***?!”
And you’re probably correct. BUT I happen to have one of the coolest jobs in the world as the punter for the Indianapolis Colts. I love my job and my team, but I’m unlike any other professional football player.
I’m just an average-ass dude, living out one of my dreams and thoroughly enjoy having folks ride along with me. Every day is a gift and every gift should be enjoyed like it’s the last damn one you’re ever going to get.
So, now that you kind of know me a little bit, let’s talk about what we’re doing here. My Twitter account has become averagely popular in the wide world of sports. I don’t have a million followers like the big-time ballers who play on downs 1-3, but I have a nice little crowd that likes to party, following me 140 characters at a time.
One of the things I like to do on my Twitter account every once in a while is “#PatsTwitterTale.” These are stories from my life: Like the first time I went to Las Vegas, three weeks after we played in the Super Bowl in my rookie year. I thought I was going to take over the town, but ended up leaving after 13 hours because I got freaked out at a porn star party.
Or like the time I got catfished on twitter by a suspiciously beautiful girl by the name of Abigail Johnson. How did I figure out I was being duped? I had a dream one night, in which I asked a fat, hairy man at an airport to use his cell phone. I opened up his flip phone (Who the hell would have a flip phone and still be willing to pay for an airline ticket?) and saw my entire conversation with Abigail on there.
I woke up and said, “Abigail is not a sexy blonde from Houston. She is a fat man in an airport.” I immediately cut off ties, told her she was a fake, and guess what? That fat man in the airport ended up being on the TV show “Catfish.”
All the stories I tell are true, and for some reason, were pretty popular. I’ve had offers from different websites, but when I went to L.A. to see my homies, Hank and Kendra, and before I landed, FOX got in touch with me and offered me a chance to write about any damn thing I want.
I’m gonna call this “McAfee Culture.” FOX wanted to call it “Pat Culture,” but some jerk named John McAfee, who started the McAfee Antivirus stuff, got himself into a bunch of legal trouble, so anytime you Google “McAfee,” that’s what pops up, and I’m trying to change that.
So, here we are. I like to stay topical, love current events and watch the hell out of some reality TV — I strive one day to be half as cool as Si Robertson. But, I also get a chance to watch an NFL team practice day in and day out, watch Hall of Famers work and young prodigies become something special.
I hope you follow along, as it should be a fun ride. I want “McAfee Culture” to be much like my Twitter account with a lot of interaction. At the end of each of my writings I will answer a few questions from the Tweeterverse. I want your question to be used, so don’t bring something lame. All you have to do is use the hashtag #McAfeeCulture.
In fact, let’s get two questions I’ve received about a million times on Twitter out of the way:
What’s it like to shower with professional athletes?
How cold was the water that night you got arrested?
It was cold as hell.
Now that those are out of the way, let’s make some magic happen.
@LinzLuLu87: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Solid question. I hope I’ll still be in the NFL, but who knows. If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s that if you spend a lot of time preparing for the future you never really get to enjoy the present. I’m having a hell of a time right now, taking my life day by day. I hope “The Boomstick” is healthy when I wake up tomorrow morning, but I just want to entertain folks forever.
@DunkMan42: What’s left on your bucket list?
I love that people have bucket lists. I’ve had one ever since I was young and watched “Wild On” at night in my bedroom. I wrote down all the sweet places Brooke Burke’s beautiful body traveled to. I continued adding to it and I’ve had the amazing fortune of scratching off a lot of things. Sky diving, traveling the world, raging in Germany… but the purpose of a Bucket List is to keep adding to it.
When you see something you want to do, go do the damn thing. Why not? I never knew what the hell noodling was until I saw it on TV, so I added “Handfishing” to my list. A year later, I went to South Carolina and I fisted a 33-pound catfish. I hope my bucket list never ends, because even if I’m old and wrinkly, there will be something ridiculous I should try.
SOMETHING TO PONDER
If you’re not a cop, don’t buy a Crown Victoria. That’s a jackass move and the rest of society agrees with me. When you pull up on us non-jackasses at night, we all poop our pants and slam on the brakes. You make traveling hell. So we all voted, and if you buy a Crown Victoria, you’re either not allowed to drive at night, or you’re a d—.
Thanks for reading the first edition of McAfee Culture. I’ll see you next time. Go kick the world’s ass.
Follow me on Twitter and Instagram @PatMcAfeeShow and please check out my foundation www.ThePatMcAfeeFoundation.org