Your NFL team is in the cellar, you’re broke for the holidays and chicks just aren’t pickin’ up your vibe. You need something, someone!
It seems players, fans and even robots get a little irritable this time of year. It’s becoming a Thanksgiving tradition for Ndamukong Suh to hurt someone on Thanksgiving, proving to everyone that he truly is a leg man.
Steve Smith seemed to have a problem with every single Eagles player he encountered last Monday night, and DeAngelo Hall? Well, he’s just angry.
Fans, too, have been on the edge. Bears fans blew up when FOX switched the Bears vs. Vikes game to the Buccaneers vs. Falcons game. They were more upset during a week in which the Bears won than the previous week, when Da Bears were crushed by the 49ers.
Then there are disgruntled Packers fans, forced to watch the Giants roll them with no other games to switch to.
It’s just that time of year. A time when your 4-0 Cardinals are now 4-7! A time when your “Dream Team” Eagles can only dream of fielding a winning team. A time for Rex Ryan to cry, a time for Alex Smith to wonder why and a time for Seattle’s cornerbacks to say goodbye.
It’s a stressful time of the year. Your playoff picture is slowly being painted, the holiday sale season has you spinning and for many of us we wonder, “Will I be standing under the mistletoe alone again this year?”
Yes, robots get lonely, too.
Here’s the deal, people — you can’t undo the past! By now your team “Is who we thought they were” (cue Dennis Green).
You can’t un-sign Romeo Crennel. You’re not a general manager. You can’t heal Big Ben; you’re not a doctor. And you can’t bring back “Community”; you don’t run NBC. Just deal with it!
All things come to an end, like Twinkies, Randy Moss, Donald Driver (wait, is he still playing?), A.J. Green’s TD streak and the number of days that cute temp girl will be at the office.
With all the loss in our hearts this holiday season, it’s time to find the one thing that heals all … LOVE. So I took some time away from my dance and guitar lessons and asked around for dating advice. If we’re lucky, we may be able to find someone to fill the void caused by bad football.
Here are the top 10 responses I received to help you find the love your team has taken away.
10. Mark Sanchez, how do you find love?
“You need to be willing to sacrifice your game on the field for your game off the field.”
9. Bill Bellichick, any advice for a first date?
“Dress nice and show her you care, wear something like a nice hoodie or a Dungeons and Dragons cloak.”
8. Greg Jennings, how do you woo woman?
“It’s all about how you smell, have you seen my new Old Spice …” OK, we get it Greg! You get paid a ton of money from Old Spice. Trying playing in a game or two.
7. Ben Roethlisberger, what do you think is the best way… never mind, I think I got it.
6. Ryan Fitzpatrick, do you have any dating advice?
“Well, women are complicated because their chemical makeup is 3/4 the density of the male testosterone level which makes their PH levels more of a diagnostic detriment to the actual variables, which is interesting because…” (Nerd Alert: He never dated in college.)
5. Tim Tebow, what’s your advice to find love?
“Play the ‘V’ Card bro (wink, wink). Jesus is the best wing man.”
4. Troy Polamalu, how do you attract women?
(Troy waves his hair in front of my face almost in slow motion, and I’m captivated.) “Nothing, really.”
3. J.J. Watt, what’s the key to landing a nice woman?
“Hands! It’s all about the hands.”
2. Pete Carroll, what’s the key to a good first date?
“You need to be able to read the situation. If it’s going well maybe get a nightcap. If it’s going badly then maybe it’s time to leave, like I did at USC.”
1. Ronde Barber, what’s a good way to pick up women at a bar?
“Don’t give up! When everyone else has gone home, you’ll be the last man standing. Just ask Tiki.”