If you need me, I’ll be talkin’ out the trash
What’s fun about drafting Doug Martin in the seventh round if you can’t brag about it on the league message board?
What’s the point of giving out full candy bars on Halloween if you can’t rub it in your neighbor’s face? And, why on earth would you pound 45 hot wings in 30 minutes if they didn’t give you a t-shirt? Everybody loves to talk trash, but that doesn’t mean they should. Some people love peeing in the shower, that doesn’t mean you should do it. But if it’s your shower, in your home, then by all means go ahead. Who am I to tell anyone when or where they can pee? Did that get weird? The point is this: If you’re gonna talk trash, celebrate or give somebody the business … you better be right!
There were only three reasons to watch the MNF game this week.
1.You had fantasy players going in the game and your week was still up for grabs.
2.You’re a Steelers fan. (KC fans: If you’re still rooting for the Chiefs, STOP, it’s over, no one deserves that much punishment).
3. Crazed NFL fans tied you up and forced you to watch the game.
So, if you fall into one of these categories you may have seen players from KC celebrating throughout the game? That’s not a misprint. There were players that play on a 1-7 team, who lost the game in question that were celebrating during plays that amounted to another LOSS. I witnessed two defensive players break out a “Fresh Prince” dance after a sack that lasted eight seconds. WHAT?! I watched KC’s defense pick up a “dead ball” thinking it was a fumble, run it back for a TD and celebrate like they just won the AFC title, only to have the play called back and then get flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. REALLY?! And, I saw Dwayne Bowe trot into the end zone dragging the ball behind him and then mugging for the camera for another penalty. All of this from a 1-7 team that ended up losing. You know what losing teams are made of? LOSERS!
Haven’t we learned from Bill Gramatica? It’s a field goal guy! Or Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/UNEMPLOYED? You don’t wear a HOF jacket when you ain’t in the Hall brah! Or, what about Ryan Leaf? Actually he never really talked trash, but I just think we can all learn a bit by seeing how far that guy fell. If you’ve never won a Super Bowl stop talking about how you’re going to win a Super Bowl, REX RYAN! Phillip Rivers, just stop, you’re 4-5 and I hate how you throw. Right Jay Cutler? You had one good year and one awesome nickname, “Smokin Jay Cutler.” Why? Because, you don’t care. Put in more effort and stop relying on your defense and then you can talk trash. Roddy White? Why Roddy, why? You had to start talking, undefeated season … didn’t you? Even Rod Roddy knows not to talk trash before the showcase showdown. I get it, you were 8-0 and wanted to tell the world all about it. Well the Patriots were 18-0 and how did that end?
Listen, I don’t want to be the trash talkin’ police here, it’s hard enough being an animated robot. I love talkin’ trash! Have you seen my Twitter feed (@cleatusonfox)? Follow me so you have something to spice up your boring human life! I’m just saying there should be guidelines to talkin’ trash.
Are you on a winning team and winning the game? Talk trash.
Are you on a winning team that’s losing but rallying? Talk trash.
Are you Victor Cruz and you just scored a TD? Dance away.
Are you on a losing team, currently losing and you’re fumble recovery for a TD isn’t EVEN REAL? Get back to the line.
Are you a kicker? Do I even need to?
Are you on a losing team and currently losing the game but your name is either Jared Allen or Bart Scott? Talk on, playas.
Are you a three-time Super Bowl champion with a super model wife? Yeah, you know who you are. Talk away, pretty boy.
Are you Rex Ryan? Stick a foot in your mouth, actually you dig that don’t you?
Are you an animated robot with only 17,000 Twitter followers? Wait what?
Know your role, I do!